I've stood in front of Division I football programs — LSU, Ole Miss — and talked to young men who are among the best athletes in the country. Here's what surprises parents: the physical gap between good and great is smaller than you think. The mental gap is where careers get made or lost.
And it starts way before college. It starts in high school, in the car ride home after a bad game.
What Mental Toughness Actually Is
It's not never showing emotion. It's not "just push through." A lot of kids think being tough means pretending nothing bothers them — and that's exactly what cracks them under pressure.
Real mental toughness is:
Feeling it and playing anyway. Nerves, frustration, fear — they're all allowed on the field. They just don't get to drive.
Short memory. Dropped pass, missed shot, bad at-bat. Own it, learn it, next play.
Controlling the controllables. Effort, attitude, preparation, body language. Not the ref, not the coach's lineup, not the scoreboard.
Identity bigger than the sport. A kid who is their sport falls apart when it goes wrong. A kid who plays their sport can take a hit and get up.
Signs Your Teen Athlete Is Struggling Mentally
Plays great in practice, disappears in games
Spirals after one mistake
Dreads games they used to love
Stomachaches, sleeplessness, or irritability before competition
Talks about quitting out of nowhere
Can't let go of getting benched, cut, or injured
None of this means your kid isn't built for it. It means they need tools nobody's given them yet.
What Helps
1. Build a reset routine. Great athletes have a physical cue for flushing a mistake — a breath, a tap on the helmet, a word. Help your teen pick one and practice it until it's automatic.
2. Train the self-talk. Ask your teen what they say to themselves after a mistake. Most kids are harder on themselves than any coach. Swap "I always choke" for "Next play. I've got this one." It sounds simple. It changes everything.
3. Breathe on purpose. A slow exhale, longer than the inhale, calms the nervous system fast. Teach it before games, at the free-throw line, in the batter's box.
4. Define success as effort and growth. When the only win is the scoreboard, kids play scared. When the win is "Did I compete? Did I get better?" they play free.
5. Get through injury and setbacks with a plan. Getting hurt or benched is often when teens lose the most confidence. Give them a job: rehab, film, strength, being a great teammate. Purpose beats sitting in the pain.
What Parents Can Do — Especially After the Game
The car ride home is one of the most important moments in youth sports. A few rules:
Don't coach on the ride home. They already know what went wrong. Let the game breathe.
Say this: "I love watching you play." That's it. It takes the performance pressure off your relationship.
Let them bring it up. If they want to talk it through, ask questions instead of giving answers: "What did you feel out there?" "What do you want to work on?"
Keep your emotions smaller than theirs. If you're more upset about the game than they are, the game has become about you.
Questions Sports Parents Ask
How do I help my high school athlete build mental toughness? Start with the basics above: one reset routine, better self-talk, and a breathing habit, practiced in training until they show up in games without thinking. Then change the car ride home. Most mental toughness is built in boring reps, not big speeches.
What's the best mental toughness training for teenage athletes? The kind they actually practice. A one-time motivational talk feels great for a day. What lasts is a few simple skills (resetting after mistakes, controlling self-talk, calming the body under pressure) repeated every week, ideally with someone who holds them accountable. For some kids that's a coach on their team. For others it's one-on-one mindset coaching.
Are there mental toughness programs for youth sports teams? Yes. Many teams bring in a speaker or run a short workshop on pressure, confidence, and bouncing back, then have coaches reinforce it at practice. I speak to teams and athletic programs on exactly this, from high school to Division I.
My athlete is struggling with confidence. What resources can help? Start with this guide and the car-ride rules. If confidence doesn't come back after a few weeks, a mindset coach can help them rebuild it with specific tools. If you see signs of depression, anxiety that's taking over daily life, disordered eating, or self-harm, go to a licensed mental health professional first.
Can a mental performance coach and a therapist work together? Yes, and often they should. A therapist handles mental health. A coach works on performance, confidence, and habits. With your teen's and family's permission, they can stay on the same page. You don't have to pick one.
How can my teen athlete handle stress outside of games? Protect sleep, keep at least one part of their life that has nothing to do with the sport, and give them a simple breathing practice they can use anywhere. Stress gets worse when the sport becomes their whole identity.
When to Bring in Help
If your athlete's confidence has cratered, if anxiety is keeping them from enjoying the sport, or if they're struggling to bounce back from an injury or getting cut, a mindset coach can help them build the mental game the same way a trainer builds the physical one.
(If you're seeing signs of depression, disordered eating, or thoughts of self-harm — which do show up in athletes — please start with a licensed mental health professional, or call or text 988 in a crisis.)
I work with teen athletes on pressure, confidence, self-talk, and bouncing back — the same stuff I talk about in front of college locker rooms, one-on-one.
→ Learn about Teen Coaching with Scott — online anywhere in the U.S. and in person in South Florida. Start with a free parent call.
Also worth reading: My Teen Has No Motivation: What's Really Going On and My Teenager Has Shut Down: What Actually Helps
Scott Russell is a resilience and recovery coach, speaker to Division I athletic programs including LSU and Ole Miss, and host of the From The Grave podcast.
